Doctor Who: The Curse of the Gnarly Duke
by Draculasaurus Derbyshire
Summary: Doctor Who tells his fiends, Jack Harkness and Alpha Centauri, a disgusting tale about the time his fifth incarnation, Nyssa, Tegan and Adric had a hair raising experience when the TARDIS toilet had an unusual malfunction.


Captain Jack Harkness held the bottle up for Alpha Centauri to inspect.  
"So it has nothing to do with the French royal family at all?" she asked  
"I don't think so." he laughed "Your diplomatic education was certainly thorough concerning Earth's history."  
"We are a careful species." she said  
"This Bourbon" He said "is an American whiskey made from mostly corn and is aged in charred oak barrels."  
"Oh, I've heard of that." said Alpha excitedly "I've always wanted to try a Mint Julep. Would you make me one please Captain?"  
Jack Harkness did not feel like digging around in the TARDIS's elaborate kitchens for cocktail ingredients, but he put on a brave smile.  
"It would be my pleasure." he said  
"Spearmint" said the Doctor "can be found through here, just off of the console room, in the garden."  
"Oh a garden, let's all go." said Alpha Centauri  
They followed the Doctor down a short flight of stairs where one of the five doors in a small alcove lead into a bright warm room.  
Jack looked around and smelled the humid air.  
"I never would have guessed this was here so close to the console room. " He said "It's beautiful."  
"Ah, yes, well it wasn't always here." said the Doctor "but here was a time when I liked to wear a stalk of celery on my lapel and I decided to move the gardens up here closer to the console."  
"This is celery here isn't it, closest to the door?" asked Alpha  
"Yes, it's been a long time since I've worn one of those." The Doctor gestured "Come on the herbs are just over here."  
They walked around a corner into a sweet smelling enclosed area. Jack recognized many herbs and saw many that were unfamiliar and alien.  
"Yes, it's been a long time." Muttered the Doctor "Did I ever tell about the time that Adric got knocked out opening the doors?"  
"Was Adric the one with the..." Jack trailed off making a vaguely nasty gesture  
"No you never met Adric, that was linearly before I met you. You would have liked Adric, I think, or hated him. He was one of those people who are either loved or despised. There was this time when I had landed the TARDIS and we had all gone to a carnival- There was also Tegan and Nyssa with us then. It was one of those relaxed times, Nyssa and Tegan had wanted to see a show and Adric wanted to go shopping so we parted ways and I took the opportunity to work on the atmospheric controls. There had been a problem with the pressure differential and your ears would pop whenever you went outside. It was just a sensor malfunction.  
So Nyssa and Tegan had come back after the show and Nyssa starts helping me in the console room and we don't see Tegan for a while. Just about when I'd taken the whole pressure system offline, Tegan comes in and says 'Doctor, there's something wrong with the toilet'.  
"Well, it's always something." I said "Let's have a look."  
"No Nyssa, you stay here. It's embarrassing." she said, but of course Nyssa wouldn't be left out, so we all went to investigate.  
When I opened the door I couldn't believe my eyes. There was an enormous gnarly duke just floating there at eye level and the smell was unbelievable, like someone was cooking rotting food over burning rubber.  
We all looked at each other, but no one knew what to say.  
Finally Nyssa turned to Tegan and said tremulously  
"That came out of you?"  
"Yes"  
"Are you all right?"  
"Yes, I'm fine. I just want it to go away!"  
"We all share that desire Tegan, rest assured." I said eying the gruesome serpentine mass slowly rotating in the air  
"Well first, why is it flying?' demanded Nyssa "And don't say because it came out of a Stewardess!"  
"The local 'gravitation' is out and some of the bathroom lights seem to be as well." I said  
"Well the Tactrion Bidet was still working" offered Tegan.  
"I'm sure we're all thankful for that at least" said Nyssa with a grimace. "Is it possible that the duke's smell was potent enough to actually interfere with the electronics?"  
"I wouldn't think so normally," I said "but this is certainly no ordinary odor. To ask the obvious question Tegan; What did you eat?"  
Tegan blushed.  
"It was when we stopped on that planet with all the frog headed people." she began "Remember when I was supposed to meet you and Adric in that bar? Well I got confused and went in to the wrong place."  
"Well. where did you go?" asked Nyssa  
"It actually turned out to be a brothel."  
"You went and ate in a brothel?"  
"I though it was a bar!" said Tegan "I sat down and there was this big bowl on the table, full of these things that were like a mix between a flower and a pretzel, but also like beef jerky. So I tried one and it was delicious. Well, I had eaten half of the bowl before this frog woman came in and said that I'd eaten a weeks supply of fancy prophylactics and I was going to have to pay for them. I was so embarrassed, I ran out and never told anyone."  
"That might explain it." I said "Those frog Johnnys were probably full of nano pheromonic replicators. That really could knock out the electronics."  
"Well, that's really great," Said Nyssa "but what are we supposed to do about that odious duke flying free around in the TARDIS?"  
"Oh it won't get far." I said "If it tries to leave the bathroom it will fall to the floor, the 'gravity' is still on in the hall."  
"That sounds like a mess. At least while it's floating it's not touching anything." said Tegan  
"That's it!" said Nyssa "What if we turned the artificial gravity off in the hallway? Then we could coax it out and capture it in a plastic bag."  
"That is an idea Nyssa" I said. "It really might work. We'll need magnetized boots and some kind of small fans"  
We gathered up the magnetized boots, gloves, fans and a bag.  
"Is everyone ready?" I asked  
They nodded 'yes' and I turned off the the down force compeller.  
Nyssa had an old fashioned collapsing fan, she made a gentle motion, urging the duke out of the bathroom very slowly.  
"Don't let it touch the wall Tegan!"  
Tegan kept it from touching the wall with a quick motion, but now the duke was spinning at an alarming speed.  
"Don't panic!" I said "We just need to..."  
Just then Adric entered the TARDIS and the doors opening made a popping sound like a champagne cork and a steady hiss of wind was audible.  
"Oh no!" I shouted "The pressure differential!" I fumbled with the bag but it was too late the noxious, glistening duke had already started moving down the hall and was gaining speed rapidly.  
Nyssa leaped out of it's path with a shriek.  
"Hello, where is everyone?" Adric called out.  
"Adric get down! Get out of the way" I was shouting.  
Then we heard the horrible thud. Adric had been struck square in the face and knocked out cold.  
He was a terrible mess. We dragged him down the hall, to a different bathroom, to clean him up.  
Tegan started running some bath water for him and we sat down in the hall together to catch our breath.  
"That was terrible." said Nyssa  
Suddenly we heard movement from inside the bathroom.  
"He's awake!" said Tegan  
I went to the door which had closed automatically, gently pushing it open and calling out "Adric?"  
The door slammed shut and locked.  
"Uh, I'm just brushing my teeth." said Adric tensely through the door.  
"Adric, there's something that.." I called out again.  
"I'm just changing clothes now, and then I'm going to bathe. I'll be out shortly." he said  
I turned to the others who's eyes were wide.  
Tegan hissed "What is happening?"  
"He obviously thinks that he's done it to himself." said Nyssa  
"Why does he think that?" demanded Tegan "Why would someone think that? Do you think he just wakes up and says 'I guess I passed out while rubbing a duke all over'? Are you saying that's what he does?"  
"I don't know what he gets up to," said Nyssa "but if you want to tell him, then go ahead. After all you're the one who dealt the duke in the first place.  
"I'm not the one who sent it flying down the hall at a hundred KPH!" said Tegan

The Doctor leaned back in his seat at the edge of the large planter and stretched looking around at the herbs.  
"We never did tell him." he said quietly "You know, they say that sometimes, late at night you can still hear that foul duke flying in the corridors.  
The Doctor's hand shot from behind his back and an oblong brown object flew through the air toward Jack and Alpha who both let out a girlish scream.  
"It's a cigar you idiots." laughed the Doctor lighting one of his own "Now are we going to play cards, or what?"


End file.
